Haven’t been able to focus too much today. My legs have been throbbing! Took a writing test this morning and did some light house work and laundry. I can’t help but feel the energy, draining out of my body, with every step I take. The weather being below freezing, certainly doesn’t help. That’s all part of living in New England, I guess. You think I’d be used to it by now. I love the weather but my body does not!
I must admit, suffering from chronic pain, is NO joke. I could easily get pain killers from my doctor but I choose not to. I take what I need to, as far as all natural medications & all natural drinks. Ibuprofen is what I take for pain. I’m retaining a lot of fluid right now. All due to my poor eating and drinking habits over the weekend. I’m only 45 years old. I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet. However, some days, I feel like I’m twice my age. It scares me at times. It really does.
What is my life going to be like, in ten or fifteen years? Will I be holding my own and pushing forward like I am now? Will I be in a wheelchair? Will I be confined to my home? How will I be mentally? Will I sink in to a deep depression? Will I still have a sex life? Will I still be able to drive a car? There are so many questions that I ask myself, on a daily basis. Especially, when I’m not feeling well. It’s so hard not to dwell on the negativity of it all. It’s something I work hard at, all the time! My out look, for the most part, is positive but I have my days, when I throw my hands up in the air, and just say f~ck it!
Chronic pain can be so overwhelming that you become depressed and isolate yourself, from your friends and family. I find myself having to cancel plans, all the time. I find myself not leaving the house for weeks at a time. I get embarrassed by the way I walk, when I’m sore. Even if I’m out with friends and I sit for to long, when I have to stand, it takes me a few seconds (or longer) before I can take a step. At the age of 45, this makes me feel insecure. I can’t help but feel like all eyes are on me. Even when I know, they are not.
I know there are many people, who are worse off then I. I’m not having a pity party over here. These are things that I think about all the time. It’s my future, how can I not? I want to be able to enjoy, my so-called Golden years, with my best friend, my one and only. I don’t want to end up having someone to bathe me, help me get dressed, cook for me, drive me every where, etc. I want to be able to stay as independent as I can. I want to feel like a woman, for as long as I can. I want to be a productive member of society, for as long as I can. I want to be ME, for as long as I can. Peace out