As I sit here, I have many thoughts running through my head. When I woke Friday morning I was in quite a bit of pain. Only slept about two hours the night before. AJ came home, with our favorite Lil guy, Gabriel. After giving my Gabey, some hugs and kisses, I let the boys have their alone time while I chilled in the other room. I was not feeling well and did not want to cramp their happiness. Once again, Friday night was another restless one.
Saturday, I intended to make an appearance, at Matty Mutts benefit at 6pm. Then head to Bunzy’s birthday celebration by 8:30pm and have an enjoyable evening with my friends and family, while AJ spent some quality time with his grandson. Of course, whenever I have plans, I never REALLY know whether or not I’ll be able to attend. It all depends, on what my body tells me I can do. IT REALLY FRIGGEN SUCKS!! Seriously, people probably think I don’t care or how rude of a person , to cancel at the last-minute. Believe me when I tell you, I hate it more than anything! It brings me down!
When my emotions are running high and I get so excited, for upcoming plans or events and suddenly, within hours, my entire inner being changes. Even when I’m hurting, if I have AJ accompanying me, I can usually make it work but we had his grandson for the weekend and I couldn’t chance it. I was glad to go solo to these events. Sometimes, that’s exactly what I need, but driving at night, especially alone, when I’m not feeling well, makes me very nervous. Then the stress of me worrying about it makes me even sicker. I can become agitated and very grumpy in these moments. I’ll find myself saying things, that I don’t even mean. I admit that I start feeling sorry for myself, which is ridiculous! There are people, a lot worse off than I am.
I have some personal issues going on, with my family as well and that takes on a life of its own. I’d rather not get in to the details but I have been feeling really anxious over it. Emotions of guilt have been consuming me. Not sure what to do with these feelings just yet. I have them tucked in my pocket right now, until I can figure out where that path is going to take me… that’s where they will stay.
It’s strange, JUST when I think to myself, ‘Self, it’s been good, calm, less stressful, maybe the change I’m looking for is finally here AND STAYING!! No, of course not! I shouldn’t set myself up for failure as much as I do. Maybe failure is not the right word…. I guess the word I’m looking for is disappointment. All these CRASHES… emotional, physical and mental ups and downs! IT’S NO GOOD! I’m the one letting these variables affect my life. I need to get my EGO in check. SHIT! I KNOW the steps to take AND to follow, to stay on the right path but sometimes it’s easier said then done.
Making constant changes and good choices and keeping a positive attitude is what I’m trying to accomplish. What’s the saying? Your life is what YOU make of it. I preach it and need to start LIVING it!
“Take stock of those who were negative forces in your past. Search for ways in which their actions might have been blessings in disguise. Abandonment, abuse, and disloyalty can be valuable teachers when you see that you experienced them for a greater good.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer